What do you call this?

I don't know whether to be happy or to be sad. There are times that I feel like I'm mad, raging over stupid things like, "my boyfriend doesn't understand me" or "he's an ass" kind of feeling and the next thing I know, I'm calling him to say sorry or even to say to him how much I love him. But, that is not the topic for the day.

Well, I bought 2 wonderful magazines today. One is Cleo and the other is Female, the bumper issue. The reason why I bought Cleo was that it always include topics and little quizzes about life that I often relate to mine. As for the Female mag, well, I thought that it's cheap. It's a bumper issue and it costs only RM8! ha-ha

I read sections by sections and it came across me that I love the things that they have in there. The issues are written tremendously genius! The female writers really inspire me. But, that is not the point either. (talking about snippets in mags, these apparent paragraphs are somewhat similar)

The end of the semester is just around the corner and I'm about to be jobless soon. Though I am convinced that there are tons of schools and institutions are going to hire me as soon as they heard the news about me 'lepaking' at home doing nothing. But my dad has fixed me with his new plan. The plan where he wants me to further my masters in France, INALCO to be exact and learn French. The totally opposite of my passion and the things that I have been studying and good in for the past 22 years, the English language. Then, when I come back, he wants me to work in Penang, USM and be part of the School of Language (Translation and Interpretation)'s family which I don't really feel the eager to do so. I'm just too scared to say 'I don't want to' and at the same time, I really, really, REALLY don't feel like going.

Now, here's the part where reading the mags is playing inside my mind on how to change the idea of getting out from Malaysia. I think I want to write articles. Although I do think this is a little bit berserk and not to mention, pathetic. I just don't see myself teaching other languages than English. It's true that I like languages. Learning foreign languages is like learning a new culture and be part of it. But at the age of 23, doing what you love and being good at it simply makes you feel you are in love with yourself. You don't need anyone else to tell you what do you want or when to do it anymore.

It is like being at the top of the world and conquering your own fate and fear. It was hard enough for me to start where I am already now, and I don't think that by teaching French or learning the language and its culture again is going to make me such a better person. I have to admit that I am not really a risk-taker. I'd prefer to be in my own comfort-zone. Not to say that I don't want to get out of it, but if you can stay comfortable and not facing those life-challenges and get screwed up with a lot of hardships and entanglement, why should I get out? Right? Am I right?

I don't know where did I leave my conscience. I don't know what to think. The end of semester is coming, and I have to decide and let my father knows about it pronto! He's been texting me and reminding me to set a date with the person in charge and to make sure that I get the grants and he wants to send me off to the airport, and bye-bye Malaysia, bonjour, Paris! sigh...

Sitting in the office or at home, writing about female issues like the writers in Cleo or Female does sound intriguing. But the question here, layak ke?


  1. layak.tatau la if x convincing gak.if u want it,go 4 it!


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