A haunting empty, blanked mind.
I can't think of what to say or how to say the words correctly. It's like my mind is at its clean slate. Everything that came out sounds either cheesy or just wrong. I told myself, let's just keep quiet. Don't say anything. But that is not right. Not saying anything is also not okay. Then, people will start asking, what's with the silent treatment? Well, I'm known for silence when I'm not happy or at rage so I don't want people to get the wrong idea of it but I just don't know how to construct the words. It doesn't sound right.
Life has been upside down for me but luckily luck is still on my side. Not much but at least, I have some from winning after the last life event. Karma paid my part of life and I get other people's wrongdoings as my blessings. Well, so far that is what I believe had happened. If it's not true, I would like to believe that that is true. I like knowing the fact that the person suffers from his bad decisions and for that God is angry with him and give his good life to me in return. Do you get what I mean?
When someone asked me, are you leading a happy life so far? Well, of course. Life has been fair to me. What I did before was left in the box of regret. I shall not return to the old me and I shall never go back to the old state. The feelings are gone and what's left is only resentment. Regret over the bad decisions, wrong predicaments and stupid acts but that's what life is all about right? Making bad decisions and realizing it and improve. Is it not? Yes, this year itself was not a good start. I have encountered events after events. And this is me, getting up again, picking up the pieces of life that shattered and putting them up again, slowly, one step at a time.
In hoping of becoming a better person, I admit that it is not easy. I'm born to be a vengeful person. My heart is not as white as others. I may look like a kind person but deep down inside, I'm not. I have grudges towards those who succeed in life. I envy those who get whatever they want. I hate those who don't have any complication in life. Then again, I'm only a human being. I can never run away from the flaws. These flaws make me human. These flaws make me normal. I am still the same old person who will easily provoked, easily fall in love and have pity towards others. These flaws shall never leave. However, that old person of me grows slowly becoming bitter and stronger in life. It's for my own good. So they say, I have to be cruel to be kind. The one thing that I disagreed before. Now, I've started to understand. Thanks to the unpredictable life events.
I'm not saying that I'm a better person now. The flaws are not my strong credentials. Anyone who thinks they want to give me a piece of advice so that I'll change, I'll try to listen. I'll try to adapt. As simple as that.
The same with how I'm feeling inside. I know that I'm in the state of admiring someone. I know that at the same time, this feeling I have inside can also be because of the loneliness I'm encountering now. So, I'm not sure myself what exactly it is and how will it end. I do wish that it won't just fade away. I don't want to hope. I want it to just go with the flow but I don't want it to follow the flow and leave me when I'm stopping to catch my breath. I want it to last. I want it to at least give me a chance to feel alive again. To be happy again. To be me again.
I did say I have had enough. I've had enough with lies, manipulations and despairs. I don't want to bleed again but I'm a risk taker. I am stubborn and this perseverance shall put me in the same experience again and that I'm not too sure about. I'll pray that not to happen. That's all I can say about it. Don't want to talk too much of it. Oja always says this, don't want to jinx it. And I believe her. So, please, give me a chance to trust again. Gain back my trust. Gain back everything.
I hope to have a good day today.