Frankly speaking, aku memang traumatized dengan incident setahun lepas yang berlaku pada aku. Bila mengenangkan apa yang telah terjadi tu, kadang-kadang aku rasa suffocated and do not know what to do so that the memory goes away.
Memang sukar nak go through the memory and the feeling inside all over again. It feels like the wound is never healed. Well, I thought it has..rupanya belum.
I'm not saying that I still long for Tj or still love him or anything like that. Tapi rasa cuak, rasa insecure, rasa lost, rasa don't know what to do to make it better tu yang aku kadang-kadang rasa. And yes, rasanya macam sangat ngilu.
I mean, siapa yang boleh lupa perasaan di mana hari ni, kau rasa dunia ni macam kau punya, si dia adalah segalanya dan tiada apa yang dapat menggugat rasa cinta tapi all of a sudden, si dia bukan lagi kau punya dan dia pun dah totally ignore kau as if you guys are strangers. I hate that feeling. And I am scared of it to come again. Senang cite la, imagine lah yang parents korang secara tiba-tiba suatu hari putuskan tali persaudaraan dengan korang dan taknak acknowledge dah apa-apa pertalian but then parents kot mustahil dorang nak buat macam tu unless kita buat super palat kat dorang kan?
The point is, sakit yang unbearable macam tu lah yang aku rasa. Like, right now.
I'm really sorry to those who are reading this and if you think that this is too pathetic for you to read, do me a favour just stop reading already. I love people to read my blog but then again, this is the only personal space that I have to talk to myself and to someone who can actually listen to me out there.
I do have friends and I do have my family by my side but I have to admit I feel that loneliness lingers around me now. The pain that I carry now with me is unbearable. At times it feels like an intense trauma that I feel like shutting off from everyone; run far away from here and hide myself. I know no one will come and find me. As a matter of fact, the world will be such a better place without me in it.
And to my dear kid, if you are reading this in the future, I hope that you won't feel the same thing that I do now. I really hope that you have the most beautiful life and people around you that you won't have to feel not even the tiniest pain and suffer.
I know a lot of people think I'm childish, emotionally unstable and sometimes, a freak. Well, I'm different. I like to say what I feel inside and these few months and years, it's hard for me to do that. I can't really find me in me. I don't know myself anymore. And the only thing that can keep me in sanity now is writing here.
And tonight, in this sincerely written piece of junk, I'd like to apologize to those who I have wronged. I'm really sorry if I have ever hurt you in any way that I consciously or subconsciously did. I'm asking for the sake of that tiny bit of humanity that you have to forgive me and to take away all the vengeance that you have towards me. I am only human and I make mistakes. If I could turn back time, I'd take back the things that I've said and the silly things that I've done but we are all humans.